Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s been 5 years since they banned me from Yelp and I’m still mad about it. I did nothing wrong.

Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.

Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist

friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me

me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this

ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said

I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.

[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y

To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.

I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies

Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now

If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.

It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.

Me: [driving into a parking garage]

Wife: why are you ducking your head?

Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.

Wife:

Me:

Wife: that’s fair.

I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.

He f**ng waved.

[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead

*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”

I’m sick of everybody in this house.

-me, who lives alone.

Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.

I dumbed there ONE time and now this.

Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live

Me: is there anything you can do?

Doctor: I can juggle

Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that

Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks

roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!

I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.

Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.

I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first

Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.

I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂

doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”

i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.

i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.

Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i mend relationships

professor boyfriend: oh wow

Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.