Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?

“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”

Mosquitoes:

Noah: *eyes narrow*

I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.

I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no

How to really enjoy the rain:

1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits

“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”

SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO

*ring bearer vomits*

5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.

Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…

Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly

Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is

Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.

Oh hi lol

Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.

If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.

My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’

ALL week.

Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍

I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.

Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one

ME: what came first the chicken or the egg

FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you

[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me

why does this building look like a guilty dog

trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card

Me: No more talking. Good night.

10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?

Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place

I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.

Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you

Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker

Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?

Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.

My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again

Me, crying: yes

My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again

Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes