[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
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I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
Good morning
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
*opens fortune cookie*
“REDACTED”
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
This is the weirdest thing I’ve ever typed, but I have had a treadmill for four years and TODAY OUT OF THE BLUE IT TALKED.
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.