Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME

*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls

If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.

My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.

Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd

The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.

Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.

Walks up in da club like

“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”

[The inventor of biscotti]

This coffee would be so much better with a crouton

“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*

😭😭😭

michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe

me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later

INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?

ME:

INTERVIEWER:

ME:

MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself

*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*

Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.

I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.

this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane

I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”

ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings

GENIE: dude

Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.

Be the lemon you want the world to hand you.

After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.

At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.

I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!

Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”

God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!

the beatles: all you need is love

haddaway: I have a question

Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.

Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.