[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
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GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
This dude got his own movie?
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”