[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
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What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
I drew y’all a little something.
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.