Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
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wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
I wish I lived in a swing state. I am really good at pumping my legs
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband