Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
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How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
🤣🤣🤣
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
To whoever started playing Jumanji in 2016, please finish your game. This is getting out of hand.
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
