Skills
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My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
Coffee ain’t cutting it anymore. I need to eat batteries. 😭
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
Unpopular opinion
The moon is actually way more useful than the sun. Because the moon gives us light at night when it’s dark. The sun only gives us light during the day when it’s already bright.
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
If mediums can converse with the dead, imagine what a bunch of larges would do
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.