Skills
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In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
look scared
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
Not my job 😂
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.