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babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
I hope this email finds you-
Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.