Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You: make yourself at home

Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*

just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again

Me: What do you think about that?

Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*

5 minutes later

K

When something says it needs 2 minutes in the microwave but 40 minutes in the oven it does make you think a little bit about wtf is going down in the microwave

When your teen is already bigger than you are…

You better wish for more oil

My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.

My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.

The ’90s were a time of blissful ignorance where we expected rock stars to sleep with groupies.

If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.

No, YOU’RE a child!

I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?

My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?

I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”

Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?

You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.

Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?

Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.

Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming

Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”

*At the ouija board*

Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…

Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G

(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)

ME: Ready?

KID: *angry bleating*

Petition to lower the retirement age. I’m tired now.

Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.

Her: You accepted your flaws?

Me: No. I accepted your flaws.

Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors

Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.

i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.

I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.

I’ll see myself out.

I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.

I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.

I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.