skinning your knee as an adult is so humiliating. that’s the toddler injury
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interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
$4 #usedbooks
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
live long and prosper!
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
