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I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
95% percent of forest fires are caused by someone walking in corduroy pants.
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
Googling “best laundry hampers 2024” like I’m trying to keep current with the technology
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
some things should go without saying
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
ME: He had poise, grace and confidence, but without arrogance.
WIFE: Did you really think the zoo wouldn’t notice a missing peacock?
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.