*skinny dips into black hole
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When I was 7, I fell out the bed twice. It was a twin & my mom was like, “if you keep falling out the bed we’re gonna have to get you a bigger bed.” For two weeks straight, I woke up extra early before school & would lay out on the floor. My dad then got me a queen sized bed.
2nd day of the kickstarter…thank u for such an amazing day yesterday….. i love you
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
I’m forming a Wham! cover band with 3 other bald guys called Hairless Whisper.
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
