*skinny dips into black hole
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The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
My son asked my wife why I make noises every time I stand up.
She told him it’s because I’m a groan man.
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
