*skinny dips into black hole
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[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
Weirdly Wednesday.
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
whoever named the meatball absolutely nailed it
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other