Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.

*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matches

Cashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”

*wine
*tampons

If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people

I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.

Me food shopping alone: $250.00

Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75

Food shopping with the kids: $699.00

*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*

Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.

Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage

Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.

CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh

Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?

Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.

I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.

I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.

I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out

Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.

Just pulled into a DQ drive thru for a blizzard. Dude tells me they’re out or Reese’s. I say no problem not your fault. He dead ass goes “that’s where you’re wrong. I do the ordering and I’ve been slacking.” ☠️ 😂

I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.

BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…

ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?

I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567

The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room

Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…

Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?

Nephew: It matches your face!

Me: 😳😳

Bands are always like “here’s another song” yeah no shit that’s pretty much all you do

Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.

Filling animals with helium is kinda weird, but whatever floats your goat.

it’s either covid or clever vampires

[ robbing grocery store ]

me: put the money in the bag

her: paper or plastic

The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.

Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.

I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.

Once a lap dog, always a lap dog