Skinny people are easier to get blown around by storms. These 4 donuts are for my safety.
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I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth