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All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
I’m in New Orleans for the weekend. It must be tough to be a drunk in this city, I’ve yet to encounter a level sidewalk
Frustrated with my 23 y/o daughter I said, “God, give me patience” and she replied, “when you ask for patience, God doesn’t magically give it to you. He gives you opportunities, like this one, to become more patient” and now she’s grounded until she’s 40
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
I don’t tweet for attention, I jog in a wedding dress
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated