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Every
Single
Year
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
They say college doesn’t prepare you for real life but it taught me how to get vomit out of practically anything and as a parent that’s literally my most valuable skill
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
The real reason evolution started..😂
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
You don’t see great advertising like this anymore
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.