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I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
We argue about where to go for dinner for so long it eventually becomes an argument on where to go for breakfast
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
let the world know you’re kind of a big dill
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
man i love columbo
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
[God creating octopus]
Angel: We’re outta teeth. You gave too many to the sharks
God: Crap. What’s left?
A: ink & suction cups
G: Hmmm..
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings