Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?

dad: sure, I’ll join you.

son: should we watch them back to back?

dad: no side by side probably works better.

I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.

9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself

The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.

My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.

@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?

We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.

Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you

Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied

I’m not positive,

but I think when you say you’re “over” something,

YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.

When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.

I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.

I’ve decided that I need to eat more vegetables, so I’m gonna make a carrot cake later.

Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?

Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…

Me: *loads nutrigun*

Cashier: What the heck?

I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.

ㅤ

Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?

Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS

Emergency training complete

me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving

Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”

stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.

Wife: I find him very patronising.

Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.

Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.

I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese

“So you want a cheeseburger?”

Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad

ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.

I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”

…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.

#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.

Luckily I was the one facing the TV.

Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit

*at the end of a 3 day weekend*

Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time

The universe: here is a snow delay

Me: no, not like that

My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.

ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this

“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”