skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
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What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
*apocalypse happens*
My kids: This place doesn’t have any wifi?
Me: No place has any wifi.
My kids: Ugh. This is the worst apocalypse ever!
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
My wife: Our daughter played Godzilla with her friend at school today.
Me: Wow! What were you?
Toddler: Godzilla!
Me: And what was your friend?
Toddler: Scared!
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom