skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
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Judge: Let’s start the spelling bee. Your word is “mitosis.”
Student: Would you use it in a sentence?
Judge: “When my sister asked if any part of my foot hurt, I said mitosis.”
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
If you love someone, set them free . . . if they come back with a large pepperoni pizza and wings, it was meant to be.
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
