Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future

Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man

so logan paul and jake paul are different people?

you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house

When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.

I know this now.

To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*

Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late

I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.

follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.

[points at crying baby]

I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.

I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.

Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword

My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of

I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.

[Petco]

INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.

ME: Like a mermaid?

INTERVIEWER:

I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)

The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.

Her: I think my fathers in jail.

Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.

Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”

I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.

Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?

How’s your Saturday going?

I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.

Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything

Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?

CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse

MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull

PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.

who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though

Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.

Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money

You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?

A nap.

(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)

(Or naps.)

Ok but how old is your child in minutes?

Entertained some out of town guests last night. At dinner they told us they refused to take the subway because it was too dangerous. My 9 year old said “What? You mean like if you ride on top?”