(skipping class)
friend: what about the hall minotaurs?
me: you mean hall monitors?
*slow stomping noises*
You Might Also Like
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.