Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.

I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.

Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?

I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.

50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl

Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.

Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.

The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.

“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”

*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*

I could die and my boss would hold a seance to ask if I have my shift covered.

i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her

Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.

Me: You wrote a play?

Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.

Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?

Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume

My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail

It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.

My birthstone is pecan pie.

Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting

Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo

Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?

DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken

Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.

They put me in the ICU.

You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.

I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.

what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself

I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.

People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.

*at swingers club*

me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?

Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?

when someone dies in the hospital and they put a sheet over them that’s just bc they’re preparing them for being a ghost