skipping every song that reminds me of him
-me, listing to the playlist i made for him
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Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
oh, my cursed amulet is making me possessive and greedy? of course you’d say that. you want my amulet all for yourself.
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”