Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director

I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”

Good God that’s customer service.

[armed robbery]

gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops

me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards

robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*

Just parrot things

Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.

Tastes victory

Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!

My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.

One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter

God: you’re a jellyfish.

Jellyfish: nice.

God: you have no bones.

Jellyfish: ok.

God: and no brain.

Jellyfish: oh.

God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.

Jellyfish:

God: you’re H2OhNo lol.

I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.

I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard

1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.

-mental notes I take watching crime tv.

Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*

I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.

Start every phone call with “My battery is at 5%” so you can hang up whenever you want.

olive garden manager: why are you quitting

waiter: i signed up to guard olives

Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.

Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.

when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation

Ok, but like, how married are you?

Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style

I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.

Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle

you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand

Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here

Also me: I wonder how I can contribute

teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]

me: ok lol

[later]

me: hey what the f-

[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.

Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving

Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?

Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.