Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
You Might Also Like
“Do you have a makerspace at this library?”
“No we don’t.”
“You don’t make anything at all?”
“Do excuses count?”
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
Been fired from my job in the sewer. Twenty years down the drain.
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.