Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
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If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
3yo: 🎵 You’re my best friend. 🎵
Me: Awe. You’re my best friend too.
3yo: No. I’m singing a song. Not telling you you are my best friend.
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
lmaaaaaooooooooo
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.