Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?

ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct

[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit

“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”

If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?

me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!

wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!

Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok

He hands me the remote and goes to bed

And that’s how it’s done

Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?

Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?

i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission

Phone

Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.

Me: It’s okay. I’m up.

Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?

Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.

So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.

My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of

If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.

[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”

My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.

Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes

[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger

If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.

Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.

She laughed and laughed.

Apparently so hard, she got a headache.

If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.

We should be able to take our arms off when we go to sleep, we have the technology

Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great

I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.

Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?

wife: where’s the baby

me: in the cradle

wife: but where’s the cradle

me: on the treetop

[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]

me: I just thought of a song

Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice

What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!

ME: I’m off to that meeting

BOSS: Forget something?

M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]

B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you

Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker

My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.

When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago