Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.

*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.

*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.

Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”

Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact

Who called it baking and not making love

Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕

The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi

[during sex]

Him: are you on your phone?

Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it

Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.

I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience

You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again

-Plagiarists

You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.

[marital relations]

My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND

Why do people say “get well soon”?

Why don’t you want me to get well now?

No one:

Absolutely no one:

Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume

Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket

When I tell my husband I have to go to the bathroom, he’s all like, I don’t need to know that, but bring home a new pet and he’s suddenly like, we need to work on your communication skills

OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”

pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?

saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?

i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.

I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.

No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.

If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”

my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no

*receives text from wife

“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.

how to lose 20lb

step 1: gain 40lb

Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.

Made a playlist for your weekend hike

Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.

Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative