Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics

i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’

I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN

Introverts hate small talk. They LOVE tickle fights but they’re shy. They want you to start

The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?

If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.

I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)

[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo

Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.

📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty

2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’

‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple

I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.

Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.

Women: When
are you leaving?

Men: In the morning.

W: Yeah but what time.

M: Morningtime.

Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?

Wife: Who is it?

Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball

Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]

I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations

Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking

[me while painting nails]: Obvi

Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails

Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period

I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.

My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.

If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?

#SpinachDay

Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.

Agriculture can’t possibly be a dying industry. Bot farms are booming.

Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends

I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home

me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”

i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting

Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.

god: i’m gonna make you murdery

cat: sweet

god: but small

cat: what

god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ