Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious

Boyfriend: isn’t this romantic watching the sunset?

Me: ugh, no. I’ve seen this one before

Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs

“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” yeah because I won’t be leaving my bed

“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”

when someone says they don’t like reading books, im like cool, you do you psycho

Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”

Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.

formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing

5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!

Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed

5: I neeeeeeed one!

Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]

5: not there! On my arm!

The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?

GROOT: I am Groot.

TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?

GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.

TEACHER: Yes, you may.

Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like

When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.

[bakery]

Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!

Me: Definitely not happy tears

Him: What?

Me: What?

Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.

You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.

My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.

guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking

Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.

3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!

Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.

3 y/o: what?

Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.

Hb: is there any apple pie left?

Me: do you know me at all?

exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time

It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.

The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate

sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best

A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”

I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.

Me: let’s take those jeans!

Her: idk, that’s stealing

Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice

Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed

I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her