[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
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I pretend I’m waterboarding the bowls when I’m doing the washing up. I’ll ask them a question then put them under the faucet.
This is why I hate group projects
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
if I was a priest I’d make my side of the confession booth really big so I could run around
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
Speak now or ever hold your peace
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.