Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.

MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too

I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.

Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.

Doctor: Please step on the scale

Me: No weigh

#oldknees

*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!

Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!

Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?

Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!

Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.

[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME

Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*

Waiter: is there a problem

me: SHARK

lifeguard: omg where

me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name

*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*

me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE

Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.

boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety

me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?

boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo

Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.

Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.

[suit shopping]

Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?

I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.

I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence

When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.

Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….

If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?

Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.

Therapist: what do we do when we are angry?
Me: we yell at people and then apologise later
Therapist: what do you need me for?

If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.

But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…

Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.

My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.

I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.

I think I found my spirit animal.

From Facebook just now…

Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?

Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper