sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
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Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
Dolls on drugs
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
Me: McDonald’s aren’t the only ones with a golden arch
Guy at urinal next to me:
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Bf dropped his head for a full 30 seconds of silence bc he was explaining the stock market crash to me and I sagely supplied “it’s because mercury went into retrograde yesterday”
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”