sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
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ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
Nickleback is playing in this Taco Bell.
How much diarrhea can one person handle??!?
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
A Match(.com), but for socks.
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
Sorry but I’m not taking lessons in communication from a baby
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
you’re damn right i have
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.