sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
You Might Also Like
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.