sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
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I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
The vampire myth probably started with a really bad hickey
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
me: it’s recommended that to relieve stress you leave your desk and take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
My kids tried to explain Skibidi Toilet to me.
To my parents, who were always confused by all the weird things I was into: I’m sorry.
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them