Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too

If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted

I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.

“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”

what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy

Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape

If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.

me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years

her: oh wow. army? navy?

me: olive garden

Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.

CW: My phone says 81.

Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.

i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy

now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight

Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you

Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”

Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.

Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!

computer: choose a password

me: TheScarletLetter

computer: password cannot contain symbols

two weeks ago a friend was telling me about how they were sad because they hosted a cookout and invited “all their friends” but no one came and i just had to sit there and smile and nod as they sadly told me about this cookout that, incidentally, they did not invite me to

Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody

Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.

*Jumps on bandwagon*

Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend

Beautiful woman who approaches my friend: Hey! You’re the father of one of my kids
Friend: Listen I got a good life, we both agreed it was a one time thin-
Woman: I’m his English teacher

No president next term. America needs to be single for a while to focus on herself.

I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something

[Fat lady goes to the zoo]

Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?

Bear – It looks like your mom

I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk

Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.

JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!

*2 hours later has organised a small festival*

Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!

I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?

*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*

Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…

[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.