Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *opens fridge*

Dog: you gonna finish that

Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”

I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.

Just reading a story about the RAF having to scramble some fighter jets, and all I could think was “imagine the size of the saucepan they had to use”.

(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.

12653.

Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant

You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.

Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn

6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?

Me:

6:

Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.

The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family

Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.

Squirrels: 1,538

My dogs: -17

a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)

*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*

Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.

No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom

My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.

I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.

My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.

My doctor says I only have one diabete.

THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full

Clock: oh shit, I am

Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast

Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?

That’s bullshit.

[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–

*One contestant stands up*: I WON!

H: –ruin it.

Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.

[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?

No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.

My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.

My boyfriend has the body of a god!

Or the body of God.

Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.

What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.