Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.

Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!

Me: 🙁

My chameleon: 🙂

I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.

Important Valentine’s Day PSA:

Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.

Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!

I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best

Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake

Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back

Growing up with a race car bed really prepared me for having to sleep in my 2004 Honda Accord

*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.

Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker.

My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”

My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂

excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs

If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again

*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..

“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”

The year is 2075. Nuclear fallout has caused genetic mutations resulting in people having six to eight fingers on each hand. Some people have three arms. It’s horrifying, but on the plus side, AI-generated art finally looks true to life.

If you have joint pain..

You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.

My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.

Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.

The waitress at my favorite restaurant is so funny. She’s always saying things like “stop calling me a waitress” and “your father and I think it’s time you moved out.”

I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.

Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”

You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.

15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!

Encore…

[Couples Therapy]

HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead

HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26

ME: OMG SEE!

Every time.

[grounding my son]

me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!

wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play

me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it

Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.

Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?

In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.

The man who invented AutoCorrect walks into a barn.

He orders a bear.