[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
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How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun