skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
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If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
Please, Daddy was my father. Call me Son
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
What do you call someone who chews all day?
A train
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
Me My dog
Him: I’m a vegetarian
Me, holding a fork and licking my lips: I’m a humanitarian
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.