skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
![]()
You Might Also Like
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
![]()
![]()
![]()
![]()
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
Me checking my bank balance online.
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
My kids are watching Babe and my oldest asked “What happened to his mother” and I just slowly looked at the hotdog on his plate
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
I don’t need a psychic to tell me which planets make me sad. It’s earth.
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price