Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”

Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?

Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.

ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid

the top three reasons people break up:

-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types

Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories

Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better

[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah

My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.

frog: kiss me, I’m a prince

her: ew gross

frog: you have a problem with frogs?

her: no, with the monarchy

Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand

The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.

Danger is very dangerous

why did I just deep clean my entire apartment before the john mulaney and chappell roan saturday night live episode like they’re physically coming over

surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter

One time I wanted to avoid all the PTA moms, so I told them my cupcakes were store bought.

Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards

16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’

Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’

16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘

Me: *slam

Lady in the park:

Your baby is dressed beautifully what’s the occasion

Me: she’s about to go into the next size so I’m making t sure she’s worn things at least once 😂

You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body

ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!

JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.

ME: Again, with the judging.

If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.

New favorite tiktok

“you shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter” my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to

”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.

I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event

HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 years

BEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you

I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.

My dad was stingy. He was born with a cheap on his shoulder.

People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”

Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”

People: “No, not like that.”

Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”

People: “Wait…”

Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”