Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this

My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.

My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.

Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.

PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000

ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!

*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*

once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”

I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.

Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.

My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”

I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.

Me: I love eating nerds

Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)

Me: no, not that kind.

If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.

Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!

Me: Sucks for you…

Kid: What?

Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!

I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.

Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.

Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.

Me: how d’ya like them apples?

Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*

My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.

So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!

i meant to share this earlier

[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!

Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.

[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]

11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep

When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back

Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.

Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]

WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea

Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.

waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not

Is this:

A. A blue shark

B. A leopard shark

C. A pelagic thresher

D. None of the above

*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.

My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…