Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”

BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.

LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit

them: do you think about other people when you have sex

me: when I have what now

Guys which shade of gery should I get

Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late

A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.

*holds flashlight up to face*

When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.

*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*

[first day as a pilot]

me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for

co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed

Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.

Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.

I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude

Follow me for more fitness tips.

Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.

ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy

Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”

Doctor: “…Oops.”

*slowly turns chart rightside up*

Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.

(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread

Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.

[the next jurassic park movie]

ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!

ME: Why do people keep coming here…?

When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.

Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”

[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”

cop: you’re coming with me

me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you

cop: get in the car

me: will you take me to disneyland

cop: what do you think

me: maybe

5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”

Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.

the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range

Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.

I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.

Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:

I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?

I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.