@david8hughes

[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind

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@KielyHealey

Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it

Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies

Me: and they never will be!

@desusnice

someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really

@KeetPotato

[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”

@ElizaBayne

You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH

@steveffootball

A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married

@onlxn

hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING

@iwearaonesie

Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap

@E_lok44

I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”