@david8hughes

[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind

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@TheTweetOfGod

Paris is suing Fox News for repeatedly insulting it. Also suing them for the same reason: your intelligence.

@DopeyTweeter

Fight Club: Teaches you how imaginary friends can become more popular than you are.

@OakHill_

911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now

@pakalupapito

i want all the extra fat on my body to fall off and turn into cash

@jackiembouvier

My son “popped his collar” so I’m dropping him off a block from school so no one sees me.

@SaraMansford

If a guy tells you he makes 6 figures a year it doesn’t necessarily mean he’s rich. He could be a really lazy guy working at a toy factory.

@Tups13

“And a giant pink rabbit brings chocolate eggs to everyone’s house and that’s how we celebrate Easter.”
“So where does Jesus fit in?”
“Who?”