*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
A fun thing to do on a first date is wear a wedding dress
Hot Hot Hot
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
Went to P-T conferences yesterday and my 9yo was a hit with her teachers. She’s sweet, kind and hardworking. They even said “Great job mom and dad”.
This is the same 9yo who I once told to stop being loud, so she spitefully told Alexa to fart 47 times.
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
The downside of having kids is that if you touch any surface in your house you are now covered in toothpaste for some reason
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
