*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
I am not responsible for what my face does when you talk
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
Getting married soon just need a spouse
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
