Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.

Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.

Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.

Me: But not the basement, right?

If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.

The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”

(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein

Did you dream of me, baby?

-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?

No, silly.

-Then no.

My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.

He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO

you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too

Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.

I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.

Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.

Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat

[planning a heist]

Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job

Me, hates going outside: nice

Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me

this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?

[job interview]

BOSS: biggest weakness?

ME: I never know when to quit

BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired

ME: I quit

I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early

Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!

Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy

“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma

Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.

THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW

Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.

Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.

Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️

Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!

Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?

Me: “The The Batman”?

I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato

“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*

A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.

She’s obviously a newbie.