@Skoogeth

[skydiving]

cute instructor: open your chute!

me: lol make me

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@shariv67

“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”n”What makes you so sure?”n”He is a penguin.”

@DrakeGatsby

Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.

[12 minutes later]

Me: I have eaten my best friend.

@CornOnTheGoblin

[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]

@ch000ch

my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot

@patnspankme

When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.

@TheWidowmakerX

I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.

@slimmy_shady

Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.

@JennInTheCorner

Little known fact: Fergie stopped making music cuz she ran out of words she knew how to spell.