[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
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“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
his wife is probably gonna see that
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.