Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”

The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.

Leonardo DiCaprisun

Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.

Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?

There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.

12 yo: I say “mucho” to all my Spanish speaking friends
me: why?
12: bc it means so much to them

Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg

and wait.

-hospitals

Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”

“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!

~Poprah

I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.

I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.

A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:

She has her umbrella.
She has her period.

See ya later, alligator.

After a while, crocodile.

Catch ya mañana, little iguana.

[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]

“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”

GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?

ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.

HER: And what do you not say?

ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.

only targaryens can ride dragons?

explain this game of thrones

Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month

Me: ok I won’t.

[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]

Wife:

Me: starting now.

Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.

My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.

I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.

Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore

Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not

them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm

me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark

When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.

We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.

Two elderly British ladies greeting each other

Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.