Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.

Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?

Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.

#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.

Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?

Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…

so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.

Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat

The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad

Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.

I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat

VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins

ME: which ones

VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin

ME: no it’s not

VITAMIN WATER: what about blue

I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”

my mom: fix this for me

also my mom: no, not like that

still my mom: it’s not working

mom: wait it is now

Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.

Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?

How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat

My wife said I need to grow up.

I was speechless.

It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth

Can I donate fat instead of blood?

We need a ride home.

“I called a Gruber”

Don’t you mean an Uber?

[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]

school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life

When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…

Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.

medium: so you want to contact your wife

wife: *muffled* open the door

me: sometimes I can still hear her voice

wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys

me: it’s like she’s here watching over me

I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.

Wow my pants are really loose today

*skips to the nearest vending machine*

It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”

ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?

GF: Yep

M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?

The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.

When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.

[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t

*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw