Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.

Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk

Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”

Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.

Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?

Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN

[6 months after breaking up]

Me: AND ANOTHER THING,

God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.

They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”

Everyone else: hold my beer

Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit

Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago

me: hit me, daddy

poker dealer: don’t call me that

If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.

ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.

GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II

ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya

My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.

Her: I like long walks on the beach.

Me: Is there WiFi?

Her: Where?

Me: The beach.

Her: What?…No.

Me: We should see other people.

You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything

*watching someone make a cake*

them: and now add the mascarpone

me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses

Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon

Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy

there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord

GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller

My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.

Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”

If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it

I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers

Accidentally punched myself in the face as I was getting dressed this morning, and I have to say, I deserved it.

[first time at a rave]

These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird

hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan

I thought this was funny lol