Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*

[airplane nose dives]

*turns to kid behind

‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’

Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?

Me: Yes!

Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?

Me: Yes!

“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.

[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.

*holding flashlight to face*

And then I pressed……update all.

*children screaming*

Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”

[standing outside in the rain]

*opens weather app*

Looks like rain today.

Cherry seeds are just the pits.

9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.

I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”

Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.

Anyways, making friends is hard.

not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place

true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”

* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.

Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?

Dentist: The music?

Me: No. The drill.

Dentist:

Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants

I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.

If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering

*high fives my therapist*

“At least you tried.”

7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.

*takes sip of coffee* ..wait

I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…

There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.

I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”

My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.

“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*

*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..

“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”

This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo

Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.

*doorbell rings*

me: go away I’m social distancing

voice: pizza delivery

me: *opens door*

COVID19: hehe, got’em

Me: How many legs does the dog have?

4 y.o: Five

Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.

4: There’s something wrong with the dog.