Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Grocery guy here with a reminder…

You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒

My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt

Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?

“…just don’t tell your mother.”

YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.

[At home school reunion]

“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”

Answer my phone? No thanks.

I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.

Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.

I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.

My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.

Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.

actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits

me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty

ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know

Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!

A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.

My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.

But congrats on your pregnancy!

If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die

Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited

Obama: Joe

Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK

Instant pancake mix box: just add water

Me: sounds easy

Oh no, too thick [adds more water]

Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes

target is planning to open full bars in their stores. my wife will never come home now.

90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.

The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.

Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”

My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.

doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!

me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air

My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.

In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy

Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.

Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.

Them: You’re hot.

Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?