*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
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Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
Potatoes were such a good idea
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
britney spears working at an ice cream shop called scoops i did it again.
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes