Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.

Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy

Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.

*door in my house opens on its own*

me: fascinating. there must be quite a temperature differential between these two rooms to create that kind of pressure

the ghost haunting me: (slamming its head through the wall) i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you

I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen

“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama

Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”

God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!

[showing off scars]

ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember

HER: that’s your bellybutton

*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*

Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.

Boss: Have I made myself clear?

Me: No, I can still see you.

Boss: Shakes head.

Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?

Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.

C:

Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.

I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”

*6 holding a 5 hour energy*

“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”

Go ahead, have kids.

“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner

zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS

9th graders: whoa!

zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD

9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–

zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS

Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.

I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place

My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.

I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?

What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?

Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.

Them: oh I was just talking about you!

Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha

Them:

Me: oh

Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.

Coincidence?

You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.

You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough

Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.

It’s okay to run away from the cops if you’re shy

me: hi do you take walk ins?

funeral parlor director: what?

With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.

Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.

It’s a vicious cycle.