Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
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Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
Breaking news:
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
Changed my ex’s name in my phone contacts because hearing Siri say, “Your lack of self respect is calling,” while I’m driving is hilarious every single time
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
Bad news – science doesn’t want your body. Looks like your only choice is to put it up on Facebook marketplace
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.