Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.

Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?

The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma

Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.

couldn’t resist

Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.

I’m not a god.

I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.

There’s a difference.

I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.

[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle

I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.

Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.

Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday

Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting

asking santa clause for nudes

BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!

ME: Thanks. You too!

BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.

*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing

Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”

Outside: [*raining clowns*]

The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer

love that the person on this box of tea looks like they’re being cooked on a spit like a 7/11 hotdog

A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen

Have a lovely day 😊

If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.

Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like

What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!

My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream

Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.

Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?

My couch:

Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea

My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.

Me: Quitters never prosper.

12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?

I’m out of wisdom for today.

My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.

Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on