Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
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AM I BEING GASLIT????
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
Stop.
Told the assistant at the eye doctor’s I thought my eyes got worse, but they haven’t. My glasses were dirty.
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
My cold is worse than yours because it’s happening to me.
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
Welcome to middle age. You now take pictures of instructions so you can enlarge them.
😂😅😂
I hope they don’t ban TikTok because it’s the only thing keeping my wife awake when we watch Netflix.
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
Similar to how tennis has different surfaces, swimming should have different liquids i. e. 50m chowder, 100m Greek yoghurt, relay spf 50 sun block
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.