Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?

ME: Love.

T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?

M: Also love.

landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent

me: can you tell my boss that

shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house

If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?

~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.

Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”

WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?

Earth reviews

⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”

[watching TV]

“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”

Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*

roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”

They say women only use 10% of their anger

just great. my first shift as a secret service agent and i overslept :/ hopefully nothing bad happened

Waitress: Is everything ok?

Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?

My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.

I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”

She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”

Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear

*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!

God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.

It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.

someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner

Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.

I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.

Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything

The guy I’m training thinks he’s going to take my job by undermining me, listen, buddy, you can have it.

Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there

Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.

For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”

I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bears

They really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes

The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.

Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet

“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary