Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?

I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂

God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus

My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.

Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?

Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.

Finally got to tell Tilda Swinton that I named my car after her, a 2006 Subaru Forester. And she acted like I just gave her an Oscar: “A robust beast! Can take a beating! Great in water!” Bless you, you beautiful being. ❤️❤️❤️

Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”

A man of commitment.

I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.

Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.

Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it

[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes

so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not

I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.

America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM

A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants

You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.

Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad

The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me

So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.

Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.

Me: How was school?

5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders

Me: what did you need to be reminded about?

5:

Me:

5: You don’t need to worry about that

My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them

I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.

My kids: ROAD TRIP!

My kids, ten minutes later:

Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.

I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.

Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were

I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere

-Me about my kid’s toys

I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.

*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean