Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
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How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
I think this cat is broken
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
I just got an email about a ‘remarkable women contest’ and my head got a little big before the next line hit me with, “Do you know any”
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.