Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…

Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.

Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.

Wife:

4 firefighters show up

Firefighter 1: next time, just spray the snake with water. they hate that, they’ll leave you alone — real simple

Wife: If it was so simple, why did you bring 4 guys?

Check mate

Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.

Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.

Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls

My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”

Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song

Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE

me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights

her: “that’s not true”

text from Beth: that’s not true

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.

It’s not you.

Just the things you say, think, and do.

toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else

Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing

These people at work keep interrupting my naps.

[me flirting]

Cute guy: hey how’s it goin

Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES

Cute guy:

Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM

Cute guy: *backing away*

Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY

Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?

Wife: get a babysitter.

God: you’re a centipede.

Centipede: what does that mean?

God: you have 10 legs.

Centipede: that’s not enough legs.

God: how many do you want?

Centipede: 100 LEGS : )

God: ok but don’t tell Snake.

Snake: don’t tell me what?

God:

Centipede:

Snake: guys don’t tell me what?

*laughs all the way to the bank*

*cries all the way back*

So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.

“I bought a new car!”

Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?

“Only $3,200”

Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit

“Damn….not again”

If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.

The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.

me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?

me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.

New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.

Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.

The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”

That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”

Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.

My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.