[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
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Hubby installed a secondary rain drop shower head so now we have 2 modes.
1) Acupuncturist
2) Drowning
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵