Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.

Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.

A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire

~ the guy in front of me, apparently

Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?

All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall

Lean in

And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’

“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.

[making pigs in a blanket]

6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.

Me: What should we call them?

6: Nobody you know in a blanket.

[Batman picking a catchphrase]

Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander

Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity

Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime

Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”

Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing

The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.

date: I think we’ve actually met before

picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces

May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you

my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”

Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*

Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.

My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.

Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.

Mike Tyson’s apartment building

[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house

If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.

[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath

[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk

Here are 5 things you should know about me:

1. I’m very secretive

Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?

Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?

If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.

Dear teenage kids of mine,

When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.

So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!

Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.

-Kids

During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.

i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it

Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.

Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.