Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
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Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
perfect
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
They must have gotten it to go.
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
Why there is always a kid crying when I go to the store? Dude. You aren’t the one paying for groceries. Stop.
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
Me: Busy day?
Singer: Working on my scales
Map maker: Same
Scale maker: Same
Mountain climber: Same
Guy who draws fish: Same
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
Couple goals
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?