Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
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am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
How do villains get henchman? Networking? Asking because I’m thinking about being one but i hate networking
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
I can fix him.
Traveler’s camo
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
Drive like no one is watching.
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
Sorry I’m late, traffic is exactly how it’s been every day for the past 5 years, and I was not expecting that.
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*