Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
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Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
You didn’t get fired, your job “fumbled you”
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!