[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
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This is the best one I’ve seen
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
Do one person every day that scares you.
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
The proper way to handle accidentally walking in on your coworker in the bathroom is to wait till they’re out and then let them see you using the eye wash station
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.