[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
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If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
Someone just called me a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
Ah. I see you moved your horsey piece to that other square. Intriguing gambit.