[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
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I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
Someone you don’t know is pointing at you. Make yourself appear larger by holding up a potted ficus.
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”